I’d always imagined that I would be pouring my heart out (in this space) every other day during this time of my life, but that has not been the case for some reason. Honestly speaking, I have a million happy thoughts and a million terrifying thoughts tussling with each other all the time and I don’t know how to bring control to this mental commotion. I’ll figure it out eventually, I’m sure.
I was at home all of Feb and March. Thanks to US Govt for the incorrect dates on my work permit, I ended up paying a price for a mistake they made. Now that I am back to work, I can heave a deep sigh and talk about it as if it was no big deal. But then, it WAS! Now, the thing about staying at home is an interesting one, I really wasn’t prepared to stay at home to begin with, didn’t know how much longer I’d have to wait to get my corrected work permit so it put me in a difficult spot with my employer. But then, everything worked out just fine eventually.
When I was at home, I really wanted to get some things done and not say ‘I don’t have the time to do it’ because let’s be honest, I had all the time in the world. So, I took to cleaning- scrubbing, sorting and rearranging until everything came together. Everything never comes together, does it? But it came close to what I wanted it to look like and a couple of weeks after, I took to my dear kitchen and experimented a great deal- some really tasty outcomes and some, absolutely disastrous but I kept tackling one recipe after another. It was fun until we were stumped by yet another surprise of our lifetimes- my pregnancy! Yeah, I took the home pregnancy test five times and the two pink lines kept reappearing again and again and again.
Now, it’s not what it seems like. Before we found out, my staying at home was welcomed by some exciting changes. Beer Fridays turned into beer every days, coffee consumption tripled because I was sleepy and fatigued (little did I know why!), I simply assumed that I was growing a lazy bone (a lazy baby maybe?) and pushed myself to go longer without any food when I was hit by an untimely hunger pang and worked out longer and harder at the gym. All in all, I did everything that I shouldn’t have done during this time and yet. Now, I can’t help but think ‘it was meant to be’.
We had a few weeks of ‘Gosh, this news would have totally blown our socks off next year. Why did this happen now?!’ But just like everything else in life, some things happen when you least expect it. So we thought about it, a LOT, together as a couple and within the shell our own minds albeit silently. Well, Murali & I have both wanted to have a baby someday and the reasons for wanting one is particularly not the same. I’ve never wanted it to be the same anyway. But it’s different now, there have been moments when our thoughts coincided beautifully at the crest of deep earnest conversations which I didn’t think was ever possible considering how different we are. We are both clueless what life will be like after a baby but the excitement is slowly starting to take over the anxiety.
I am very aware that we are about to embark upon this glorious yet terrifying phase of our lives. Am I prepared? Heck no! But that’s the way we like it, so I’m going to revel in this lovely juncture and let things be, t minus 200 days- here.we.come.