Tag Archives: Relationship

Am I really pregnant?

The answer is YES! I miss my second month symptoms though. The complete aversion to food was a constant reminder of what was happening but that mess ended a while ago. Right now, I’m just having the time.of.my.life!

After installing the ‘what to expect’ app and joining the mommies-to-be community, I was convinced that we (the baby and I) are doing it all wrong because expecting mothers yammered about morning sickness, excess weight gain, cravings, how pregnancy feels like a breast implant they’ve been waiting for, why they hate their husbands, in-laws, parents and debate cloth diapers vs. regular diapers, boy vs. girl, breastfeeding woes and share gender reveal ultrasound pictures. (Eww! why would I want random strangers to see my baby’s private parts in utero?). Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually loving this pregnancy and my baby (for going easy on me) so, I restfully removed myself from the gabby community for both our sakes. Good grief! This mommy-abstractedness is repelling. I’m not saying all this is not important, but come on, we can all take a moment to actually try bonding with our babies instead of talking about it non-stop! No judgments here (okay maybe I am being a little judgmental, shoot me), but give it a break ladies. If this isn’t a good time to ‘live in the moment’, nothing else is.

I do enjoy talking about my shape-shifting personality occasionally. But, it’s not all about expressing, is it? Sure, I can always find someone to talk to, but discoursing the nitty-gritties alone does not make one feel included, cared for or loved. Not really.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you all to my morning ritual. The alarm goes off, I wake up, take my meds and go back to bed. We keep the windows open now, so I hear the birds chirping in the background. I relocate closer to a snoring Murali, put my palm on my belly and listen. Listen to myself and to her. I close my eyes, imagine, dream and hope. Does she have my curls and dimples? Murali’s big eyes and long nose? Is my body really making this tiny human grow? I smile, even without trying and thank someone up there, despite the lack of belief. These few minutes with myself makes me feel like I’ve got this, if you know what I mean. Surely I’ll end up being ill-informed for I don’t fret about C-section or epidural, but I’m not trading these ten minutes for anything or anyone. Is it possible that I don’t want to be prepared because I’m not there yet? Maybe. Where I am at is beautiful though, magical even. And that is enough for now. Today, I am sharing my blood and gut with my baby, I’m making space for her growing body in mine and we are sharing everything – from spicy fried tofu to our deepest insecurities, both her and I, day and night. I know she’ll be all set to fly solo tomorrow, but at this very moment, we are relying on each other’s lives to sway back and forth, to flourish.

Never mind that Murali didn’t notice when my locks went four inches shorter but he has been calling me ‘pretty’ repeatedly which is very unlike him. The first time he said it, I responded bluntly, ‘Okay, what do you really want?’ but I’m slowly getting used to it. Truth be told? HE is making my metamorphosis look pretty (& easy) nudging me to stop and smell the roses every so often. He has taken up a vast majority of domestic responsibilities upon himself and pulling his share with dignity and love. I hurriedly get ready for work – Aloe gel, a stroke of kajal, orange lips and a drizzle of Chanel (my musts and only) and he casually walks into the room sipping his morning coffee. Then, he says it when I least expect it, ‘You look pretty today!’ every day. ‘May be you are glowing, I don’t know’, he adds and I beam, instantly. Modesty is not for mortals like me, so I accept his compliment wholeheartedly, ‘Yea I think I’m glowing too!’ I state as a matter-of-factly and kiss his coffee stained lips good day and head out to conquer the world… err… work.

We are traveling every weekend and come back home exhausted. Just the way I know how to live. For now, I’ll leave you all with childhood pictures of him and I, we were both under the age of one when these were taken. WARNING: ANY rude comment (make that any comment) about my hair will not be taken lightly. Thank you.

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A Daughter

I knew it the moment I felt that I was pregnant. I knew it the second my instinct was confirmed by two pink lines. I knew we were having a daughter. I knew it long before we took that gender verify test. I just knew.

But then, how could I have possibly ‘known’ right? Based on what really? People would ask me for my symptoms and declare I was having a boy. I’d laugh and just say ‘Okay’ and not argue simply because the basis of my argument was just as jerky as theirs’.

Well, no sensible answer to that question really. If only everything we do was driven by logic, then, we won’t be having this baby in the first place. I mean, let’s be honest here. My husband and I are independent, we travel to beautiful places every year, we binge watch TV even if it means we watch Interstellar over and over again (seriously what a brilliant movie! I have a huge crush on Matthew McConaughey AND Anne Hathaway after watching this movie. I don’t know if space scientists at NASA make decisions based on emotions, feelings, love, gut feeling, ever, but if they really do, then it makes me feel a little better about myself). Like I said, we must really be crazy for willingly wanting to go down this path but hey, what is life without a little craziness?

Now for some exciting bit. She has her tiny heart beating 174 times per minute, I can tell that she has my nose from the ultrasound but Murali does not agree, I think he is just jealous that she picked my nose. She has tiny paws (for now) plus feet and she was flipping like a dolphin during the scan, moving constantly. She is already a whole other person and I don’t think she knows that. I am falling in love with the uncertainty that this relationship brings every day. The physical, psychological, emotional changes in all its entirety so naturally, so quietly.

I sure do wish we were millionaires though. That way, we didn’t have to work as hard or as long and be living in a huge mansion with a big backyard, wooden swing on the front porch with a couple of Labradors running around wild and free. Someday. We’ll make that our goal for the next baby! This one will have to make do in our tiny two bedroom apartment and swing in the warmth of my arms for now.

I can’t believe I’m 12 weeks already. Already! These moments are fleeting and my memory is escaping me quickly. Though mundane, I know reading back on this time of our lives in the future will be delightful. That’s what this space is for after all.

Friends

I know I don’t say it often enough (not even to myself really) but I love my friends, some more than others. It’s funny how there are only a handful of them who I’m willing to call ‘friends’. We all went to school together and that’s it, never again did our choice of college of work place co-inside ever again. But then…

Sure, we’ve had our moments more than meets the eye, but what matters is that we are still there for each other. Pardon my cliche, but when I say ‘being there’ I don’t mean it in an all-encompassing way. My friends are a bizarre lot, well lets see- we hardly speak to one another, we rarely lend a shoulder to cry on, we seldom know what’s going on in the other person’s life, we have hardly expressed our love for each other on social media and the works. But who cares? In my heart, I know they are there for me when I need them. I know I’m way too egotistic to go to anyone let alone my close friends when I’m having a tough time, but I know I can count on them if at all.

This time when I was in Bangalore, a last minute plan to spend the night at my friend Hem’s place was worth undergoing every bit of that traumatic drive just to get to her place. It could’ve only gotten better from there and it did and how! delicious home cooked food, a beautiful surprise and the best conversation overlooking my favorite city in the world from atop. That evening was something else I tell you.

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Elder Scrolls Skyrim the dark soul

Had I known sooner just how much I would come to miss my room, my pillow, that rusty hand painted photo frame, my clunky old computer, never dissolving pile of laundry on my bed, arrested sunlight behind the spectral curtain, unsung ricocheting between four walls?

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Bangalore Diaries

There is no other place like home I tell you. Murali and I lived like blissful new lovers for two weeks, without worrying about work, cooking or cleaning! I took long showers, wore short dresses, ate Jalebis to my hearts’ content and partied every other day.

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We turned two.

‘It’s different now’ they said. ‘Being married is not the same as dating, just remember that.’ they reiterated. And I had no idea what my married friends were talking about, well, if I didn’t want to give into indulgent refinements after marriage, then why go lengths to stay together? I thought to myself and shrugged it off.

We’d hit the half yearly mark and I started telling myself, “He is doing this on purpose!”, “He doesn’t love me anymore!” because that’s how it felt. We’d wake up combat-ready, getting on each others’ nerves day after day, week after week, reaching that ‘You did it first’ ‘You said that first’ phase. When my favorite song was being aired, he was quick to change the radio station just to piss me off and Continue reading